Beautiful Pain

I don’t like to talk about it most times but sometimes the weight is just too heavy and some days you feel like begging anyone to just understand. You cry and some times you have no idea why, you curl up in the safety of your own world. You gasp for air after crying so hard, you know people will ask about your swollen eyes at work in the morning. Living with multiple mental illnesses is not easy, its not made up and all in my head. This is my story about my long, exhausting fight with demon Number. 1. Depression.

For me it took a long time for me to finally admit what was going on with me. Finally put a name to the issues. Not knowing anything about depression, you do the only thing you know how to, keep going. Keep moving on and handle the problems the best you can, even at the time it was self destruction. You ignore the thoughts swarming through your mind and you wonder, this cant be normal thoughts; can they? I told no one for years. I never reached out, never let that part of me show around anyone. I was so ashamed and embarrassed.

I could just work my way through it, ya know? It cant rain forever they say. So I let it go, and let it fester. It consumed me, all day. Everyday. I felt alone, but I had so so many people around me. So many people that cared but yet I felt so alone and buried with blackness, but maybe if I would have opened up to someone, it wouldn’t have gotten so severe. The phrase “you cant helps someone who doesn’t want to help themselves” is so incredibly true. I knew I needed the help but I sure wasn’t ready to get it. I was alone in my own mind. I didn’t understand life and why I was living it. Literally, please SOMEONE tell me what the point was? You lose yourself in the darkness. That’s all you feel and see, darkness.

It consumes your everyday functions. You literally withdrawal from everything, including yourself. You live your everyday wondering if your absence would help or be an advantage. You lay in bed all day on the rare days you can, getting out of bed takes so much energy. You wonder if you really have the energy to do anything. Even if its as simple as getting dressed to lay on the couch.

I talked with my SO about it some. Then I talked about it everyday, and I finally I knew I had to tell him how severe I thought it was, and that took so much of me to reach out, to be so vulnerable . I hid it so well he didn’t realize how deep my emotions ran. I felt everything so deeply, so honest. Everything made me sad, and I couldn’t explain it. I held back a lot of tears and anger and it was all for nothing.

I finally had enough and I started to slowly get help and get hobbies, get off the couch, even if it was for an hour. Baby steps, I still have fall backs and set backs and even still today, I sometimes don’t handle my darkness the way I should. I let the world make me hard and cold. I let it knock me down and I thought I had no choice but to stay down because how does one even get out of the darkness? I did a lot of yoga and a lot of crying. Yoga and journaling got my mind off the sadness. The sadness my own mind tricked me into thinking surrounded me daily.

I still struggle and some days are better than others. Reaching out was the best thing I could have done, and if you’re struggling know you don’t have the deal with it alone. I did for so many years and I didn’t have to; and neither do you. Reach out to a friend, family and of course you can also reach out to me. NEVER STRUGGLE ALONE. People do care, I’m a witness of that. and if people didn’t, I wouldn’t be here today. We are never alone, and our souls have a purpose.

Depression taught me a lot and continues to do so everyday. Depression is a bitch. Depression is a hell of a demon. Depression is horrid and ugly. Depression is life changing. Depression is yours, own it and make it beautiful.


Morning Blessings

Today I woke up grateful. Most mornings aren’t this good, but this one is. This morning I woke up, rolled over to see my man sleeping right beside me, I love mornings like these. Our off days, we get to sleep in together, so wrapped in love and closeness. I walked downstairs and brew some coffee and just admire the sun rising.

There is peace. I turn on an old cartoon and turn the sound off. Odd I know but I cant concentrate with the sound on. This way I have something else going on in the background; it just doesn’t disturb me. I drink my coffee and scroll on Pinterest. Usually text my sister back from the night before; I’m blessed to have my best friend and sister in one. Nothing is better than a day off, a day to rewind and just notice how you feel. Notice the air in your lungs and the beating of purpose in your heart. I just take a moment to breath and think of the day ahead.

Its supposed to be a beautiful day out, that means you’ll either be able to find us at the pond, or deep in the woods; taking a hike. Either one is fun to me, being outdoors and with nature is the best cure for anything. The outdoors is our sanctuary.

Mornings are hard for me, they’ve never been my friend. I fight most mornings to get out of bed and get the day started. Most mornings are filled with anger and sadness that I have to leave the house. Mental illness sucks. Today started out different. I thank god and take a deep breath ad enjoy the happiness that floods my body, today is going to be a good day. I feel happiness today. I woke up to hopefulness. Today I choose me. I choose to be happy.

Take time to make your soul happy

Just me

This isn’t something i am use to. writing down my feelings and telling MY truth, has never been the easiest for me, but I’m its time to let the fear go. This won’t be the most interesting read and half of this may not make sense to some, but this blog will be my story. This blog will be my voice, it will be my out let and a place for all my feelings and thoughts.

My name isn’t really important. I’m an old, unique soul. There’s no one quite like me. I was born in July-which makes me a cancer for those are you interested in astrology. And honestly, if you’re not and are offended by this like some are. Then read no further, this blog may not be for you.

I don’t like to think of myself as a modern day person. I would rather be in a tent out in nature: around a campfire, a good book: and wrapped in my fiances arms. The phone can remain off. It’s the only time I have felt relief from my mental health. ( That is a topic I will get to later).

I love dentistry, I’m a dental assistant and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. Even as a little girl I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. It is a great feeling to have a dream come true. I can think my mom for my hard drive. The drive to be someone bigger, someone who can support themselves. She has always been a strong woman. We will get to know about her more later 🙂

I’m in the progress of finding myself and loving myself as well as life. This blog will be the first stepping stone to help me let my emotions go and let things go. Life has a funny way of getting to you and in the last 23 years of living I’ve been through a lot and overcome a lot as well. We all need an outlet.

My story is going to have a new beginning and a past that I definitely learned from. I’m going to write about my days, my thoughts, dreams, and just randomness about my life. Things often get interesting. I don’t judge others, so I ask not to be judged either. Everyone is different and everyone is learning. Life doesn’t have to be hard

“The desire to know your own soul will end all other desires”