I don’t like to talk about it most times but sometimes the weight is just too heavy and some days you feel like begging anyone to just understand. You cry and some times you have no idea why, you curl up in the safety of your own world. You gasp for air after crying so hard, you know people will ask about your swollen eyes at work in the morning. Living with multiple mental illnesses is not easy, its not made up and all in my head. This is my story about my long, exhausting fight with demon Number. 1. Depression.
For me it took a long time for me to finally admit what was going on with me. Finally put a name to the issues. Not knowing anything about depression, you do the only thing you know how to, keep going. Keep moving on and handle the problems the best you can, even at the time it was self destruction. You ignore the thoughts swarming through your mind and you wonder, this cant be normal thoughts; can they? I told no one for years. I never reached out, never let that part of me show around anyone. I was so ashamed and embarrassed.
I could just work my way through it, ya know? It cant rain forever they say. So I let it go, and let it fester. It consumed me, all day. Everyday. I felt alone, but I had so so many people around me. So many people that cared but yet I felt so alone and buried with blackness, but maybe if I would have opened up to someone, it wouldn’t have gotten so severe. The phrase “you cant helps someone who doesn’t want to help themselves” is so incredibly true. I knew I needed the help but I sure wasn’t ready to get it. I was alone in my own mind. I didn’t understand life and why I was living it. Literally, please SOMEONE tell me what the point was? You lose yourself in the darkness. That’s all you feel and see, darkness.
It consumes your everyday functions. You literally withdrawal from everything, including yourself. You live your everyday wondering if your absence would help or be an advantage. You lay in bed all day on the rare days you can, getting out of bed takes so much energy. You wonder if you really have the energy to do anything. Even if its as simple as getting dressed to lay on the couch.
I talked with my SO about it some. Then I talked about it everyday, and I finally I knew I had to tell him how severe I thought it was, and that took so much of me to reach out, to be so vulnerable . I hid it so well he didn’t realize how deep my emotions ran. I felt everything so deeply, so honest. Everything made me sad, and I couldn’t explain it. I held back a lot of tears and anger and it was all for nothing.
I finally had enough and I started to slowly get help and get hobbies, get off the couch, even if it was for an hour. Baby steps, I still have fall backs and set backs and even still today, I sometimes don’t handle my darkness the way I should. I let the world make me hard and cold. I let it knock me down and I thought I had no choice but to stay down because how does one even get out of the darkness? I did a lot of yoga and a lot of crying. Yoga and journaling got my mind off the sadness. The sadness my own mind tricked me into thinking surrounded me daily.
I still struggle and some days are better than others. Reaching out was the best thing I could have done, and if you’re struggling know you don’t have the deal with it alone. I did for so many years and I didn’t have to; and neither do you. Reach out to a friend, family and of course you can also reach out to me. NEVER STRUGGLE ALONE. People do care, I’m a witness of that. and if people didn’t, I wouldn’t be here today. We are never alone, and our souls have a purpose.
Depression taught me a lot and continues to do so everyday. Depression is a bitch. Depression is a hell of a demon. Depression is horrid and ugly. Depression is life changing. Depression is yours, own it and make it beautiful.